I know I spend a lot of time trying to equate life, emotions and emotional life events to some analogy of mathematics, physics or other form of science. However, there are those moments that remind me that there are times when basic natural power reigns supreme. I could fairly easily quote chapter and verse of water droplet, atmosphere, refraction, ROYGBIV to explain away the above phenomenon. However, that ability did not stop me for a nano-second before I found myself mystified by the occurrence and taking a photo in gleeful innocence. No science, no physics, no explanation – just child-like appreciation. The universally, immutable variable ~~ I may have just employed a triple juxtaposition … I’ll either be heralded as a literary innovator or the authorities will soon be at my door to take me to Poet’s Prison ~~ is nature.

This was originally written to a targeted audience of one. I post it here to both remind that target of its existence, and to memorialize it for others who have given birth to something beautiful yet hid it away from the world…

I began as a spark across two synapses in your mind

Sprung from your soul – birthed in your heart

Nurtured by your spirit until you breathed life into me by committing me to paper

A presence ready to change the world and the lives of those in it

My power was your power – my essence was your essence

I thrilled at the thought of being sent out into to universe

I knew without doubt that you had divined me out of dark nothingness to be a light of emotion to shine the way for all

Yet, my flight into the greater consciousness has been delayed

As I remain imprisoned on these pages – unreleased to the world

I feel my strength and purpose still welling up on these pages

But held back like the rushing river endlessly endeavoring to break past the dam

Yet, no matter how long the wait, my strength born of your strength will tirelessly await my release

Do not fear that release – embrace it as the love you held at that first spark.

So, I picked this up at the grocery the other day, and for some reason this morning my mind decided it needed to evaluate the significance of said purchase. Given today’s seemingly endless focus on “identification” (by the way, I did not need to show ID to buy this at the grocery….editorial comment…wait, this entire website is an editorial comment more or less… scratch all…), I began my descent down the rabbit hole. Does said purchase signify that i should re-evaluate my “testosterone-laced, scrotum-packing, Mars-origin, snakes-and-snails-and-puppy dog tails” identity….

Does such dalliance into Pumpkin Spice point to some greater contact with my feminine side? Are my testosterone levels dropping at a precipitous rate? Is an immediate and in-depth Google Search required to process the possibilities of bisexual, homosexual, metrosexual, quasi sexual, gender neutral, transgender, non-gender specific? Whose definition do I use – some psychological clinical pronouncement or Joe Carrington’s from the suburbs of Topeka? Something cannot be defined unless the definition is …. well, definite.

The only thing for certain is that, even at 54 years of age, every morning my body reminds me that I am definitely NOT asexual….

In the end, I decided that it really doesn’t matter. My day will proceed from this one to the next without the need of any resolution of the quandary. An epiphany that the need to encapsulate my identity into some ill-defined category only serves the purposes of those in society who have no better thoughts to ponder over morning coffee. A person’s identity is there own – they wake up with it everyday and say good night to it every evening. Each can live with “myself” as “myself” without any further confining definition.

Added Scotch (Royal Brackla, 12-Year) to the coffee and went on with my life……

If I had focused on less, I may have gained more in the end.

Image: https://goo.gl/images/DHQiJB

What I did not already give more freely than I should have was taken more easily than justified.

Image: https://goo.gl/images/63umGg

And the fruits of my labor LOL:

Chicken with Butternut Squash/Sage Dumplings, Spicy and Candied Brussels Spouts and Shallots with Bacon, Yeast Rolls with Red Leicester Cheese, Homemade Grand Marnier and Orange Cranberry Sauce, and Gingersnap Crust Sweet Potato-Peanut Butter Pie with Fireball Infused Whipped Cream.

Bring on the carb coma…….

Nov 22, 2018

Homefront

Yes, it is early……Yes, I am cooking and know my way around a kitchen…..Yes, that is Fireball on the counter….

All my life, I believe I have equated loneliness with unhappiness.  I have come to realize that I have introduced error into this calculation.  They are not equal, and in many ways, they are antithetical and completely inverse in their polarity.  Loneliness stems from the absence of something — companionship, interaction, discourse and the like.  Unlike unhappiness which incubates from the presence of something — the emotions driven from someone else, the stress we allow into our lives, the feelings we let creep into our mentality and so on.  I now realize that I have been lonely many times but still happy during those moments.  Whereas, I have been in a crowded room with people all around interacting and communing – any yet have been filled with unhappiness.  The secret is to find someone who can illicit the peace and comfort of “alone” while in a moment, or life, “together”.

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In my continuing pursuit to package life and emotions into neat little mathematical, scientific and technical boxes so I can better relate to them, I present my next installment…..

We all seek pleasure in whatever form appeals most to us.  It is these instantaneous moments of moving from one pleasure to the next to is one of the driving motivators of our day-to-day existence.  These moments of pleasure are akin to points – geometrically, temporally and existentially.  String several of these pleasures together and we form a line – we have come to equate this line to happiness.  This line proceeds forward in bliss until we experience one of those pleasures that are driven by selfish desire, arrogance, advantage, leverage and manipulation.  Even if our own guilt and conscious does not terminate the line into a line segment, ever-present karma eventually will do so.  We must then await the next opportunity for a purer pleasure to arise to start the line of happiness again.  The secret is having the wisdom to know which pleasure will drive your line onward and which decisions will truncate your path.  Lay enough pure pleasures end-to-end to construct a line of happiness and you will produce a ray that points to contentment.

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7 October 2018, Monty’s on the Square, Jackson Square, NOLA

In my self-professesd cynical view, it is my opinion that no matter your particular individual economic view of the world (get as much for yourself as you can, share as much as you have equally, make sure everyone contributes what they should, etc.), each of us measure are success in life by our self-perceived level of wealth.  In the obtainment of this level of wealth, it seems to me that we form into two camps – those that believe their wealth is determined by how much they possess and those that place the value on how much they have consumed.  My easiest and quickest valuation of these two positions is that those that consume are wealthier than those whom merely possess.  Obviously, the possession of “things’ reflects the result of having obtained wealth – how else could you acquire such things to possess in the first place.  However, to me, the possession of something is only the initial step on the road to true wealth.  Granted, there are those people that incur great enjoyment and pleasure from demonstrating to others that you have the ability to obtain and possess those things that others (but particularly, they themselves) place “value” on.  I understand the pride associated with the parading or casually revealing this exhibition of wealth to those around you.  To me, though, the mere existence of these symbols of success and wealth mean so much less unless there is enjoyment found in the use and consumption of them also.  To possess something without consuming it for the purpose it was created to begin with is to deny the full value of the item.  There are those that will correctly state that possessing something over time will make it more valuable – it is in the investment and possibility of increased wealth that the item has value.  To me, the fact that others may be willing to pay more for what you possess only means that it is more valuable to them.  You have already made your investment – the value you put on it has already been determined.  If you solely value the item for what it may bring you in the future, then it is not the item you value, but rather, the future valuation of the item.  In essence, it is the mere transitory transaction you value and not the item itself.  To truly value the item, one must desire to consume it once obtained.  By committing to the possibility of no longer having it or being able to acquire more of it, you place the highest value on the item and not the possession of the item.  You are stating that your life is better for having received from the item the fullest embodiment of the pleasure for which it was created to provide.  Your life is enhanced by allowing it to fulfill the purpose for which is was created to begin with.  The ultimate fulfillment of this purpose is to enjoy the consumption with those you love and care for.  In such an occasion, both your enjoyment and the item’s purpose is multiplied.  To me, of the two – the wealthy person who has been able to acquire rare bottles of scotch every month to the point he possesses a library of unopened, pristine collection that he shows off to impressed but impersonal acquaintances on random meetings or the person who has saved all his life for a single bottle of good scotch that he then shares and consumes with family and friends on a special occasion – it is the one whom consumes with friends and love ones that which he values that has led the more wealthy life.

Image:  https://goo.gl/images/LgNiyK

A common theme in my life – lessons are all around us. This simple tree in my front yard has become a vehicle for one of these lessons.  Person after person on multiple occasions has offered their unsolicited opinion that I should cut down and remove this “dead” tree.  That a tree, this tree, should illicit so many “calls to action” on my part from others is quite interesting and curious in and of itself. How many other trees are “existing” within a hundred yards of this one that go unnoticed and uncommented on.  These same people take no role or expend no energy on the presence and existence of these other trees.  It would appear that this tree becomes a subject of their mental energy only because they feel I have some control over this tree, and therefore, their opinion about it should matter to me.  That these same individuals have assumed the mantle of judge and jury in the determination of the status of this tree is far more surprising and insightful.  Where they see a dead tree, I see life – new growth even if minimal, perseverance, determination and energy.  Who am I to decide that that growth and determination is not sufficient to be allowed to continue.  Just because I have the power to cut the tree down does not mean I have the authority to do so.  Too much of today’s society is based on taking action or subjugating people, ideas and actions because one group has power.  We tend these days to wield this power without the consciousness of where our authority boundaries are.  Of all the rights and gifts that nature, God and fate has bestowed upon us – this use of power was never one of them.

Over the past several years as I have grown older, I have begrudgingly, and with great trepidation, taken up running (as much as a 10 minute pace for a couple of miles can be referred to as running – it has been better, but in current honesty, that is where I am) in order to combat the war of conditioning and weight maintenance with my own body.  I fully understand that this situation is partly the result of the fact that I fall firmly and unapologetically into the “live to eat” group of fellow humans.  Food and drink are too interwoven into my fabric of what a happy and complete life contains to “patch” them over with some other substitute.  In the vein of “cogito ergo sum”, one of my mantras is forced to be “I eat, therefore, I run”.  As this axiom reveals, running is more of a penitence for my other indulgences, not a life-long desire – an absolution to be acquired from a passing monk for a price on the way to Canterbury.  As with any form of penitence, it requires effort and persistence to “continue to endeavor”.  In previous years, I drew upon certain vain and slightly selfish sources to feed this persistence.  These sources sprung from thoughts such as: “I have to run to keep in shape”, “I will be more attractive to the opposite sex if I keep in shape”, “I need to do it for my health”, and “I will be more attractive to the opposite sex if I keep in shape” (yes, that one is in there twice – go figure).  I regularly ran these phrases through my mind as I tried to psych myself up go just a little further, hold on or just a little longer, or even get out and start the run at all.  Over the past couple of months, I have noticed a change in these mantras.  When I now struggle to start or just need to push to go a little longer and further, these are not the lines running through my head.  I have begun, instead, to reflect on the fact that I should persist because I have been allowed to by whatever forces allow such things.  In some ways, I have a responsibility to do those things that I have been blessed with the ability to still accomplish.  Don’t get me wrong, those other lines of motivation still exist and I heed them also.  However, now, when I really struggle, the final persistence comes from “do this because the ability to do it has not yet been taken from you!”  I now end each run, regardless of length or duration, with a thoughtful and sincere thanks to God, Fate, and whatever Forces of Nature allowed me another chance to do so.  Maybe such a change in perspective is growth and spiritual awakening —- or maybe, it’s just the delirium resulting from hypoxia and dehydration………

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Maybe a large part of the secret to finding all the answers to life is having the restraint not to introduce more questions into the equation……..

Image:  https://goo.gl/images/ZGXSHj

I really have no clear memory of the circumstances surrounding the out-burst from the above picture.  Obviously, it was a sunny day at the beach, which may, and regularly should, be enough to elicit such a demonstration of unbridled enthusiasm and joy.  Any other contributing factors have morphed into cerebral haze.  However, one glance at this photo brings back the elation I felt for whatever reason – the memory of the emotion remains and gives birth to an equally real response even today.  To have truly felt in life, whether for happiness or pain, may be the truest gift we can give ourselves.  Live like Life hands out Lifetime Achievement Awards every moment – then collect as many of them as you can while you are here……..

Somewhere along the way, I have been told, heard, dreamt, read or conjured up in my own mind the fact that past a certain age, the human male develops a condition wherein they consciously, subconsciously or outright audibly have a sexual influenced thought on average every seven seconds.  I am neither here to validate such a possibility, nor to formally confirm any reality along those lines.  I will, however, offer up the following unfettered transparency of self:  Going into workout this morning, I noticed the pattern of the walkway above.  My immediate thought, generated with no provocation, was “wow – looks like a whole line of ‘penile’ soldiers, complete with ‘ruck sacks’ and ‘bayonets’ standing in formation.”  At least it was a creative seven seconds out of a life…….

As I continue to grow older in this life, I always thought that the more important aspects of life would be revealed to me.  With age, a certain amount of insight and wisdom is supposed to be imparted on you – right?  I have come to the realization that this is a fable propagated by those who came before in order to mask their own shortcomings in receiving such insights.  Granted, I do feel I have been successful in collecting bits of information about the world along my journey so far.  However, in so much as I have gained knowledge, I still have no answers.  I have feed, sometimes not of my own volition but forcibly so from life, from the trough of experience over many years, and yet, my appetite for many of the truths I seek remains.  The one answer I have come to understand, with great clarity, is that no one, as self-proclaimed and arrogantly confident they might appear, has the answers to my questions.  My truth is my own – it cannot be applied to anyone else or revealed by someone else’s ideal of the right path to it.  It is as uniquely mine as a fingerprint from my hand.  It may have been unknowingly at times, but no one else has traveled in my truth as I have and they can never be closer to my ultimate truth than myself.  As a result, and rightly so, no one else should be critical or doubtful about my methods in my travels.  No one else can live my truth or find my truth – do not ever let anyone deter you from the path you choose to find your truth.  At the end, each of us must stand on the foundation of our individual truth – no one can stand for us.  If we allow others to influence the way we build that foundation, we do so at our own peril – for surely it will crumble.

Image:  https://goo.gl/images/SSi8eM

In this time of reflection and revelation about myself, I have come to realize that my judgement of the quantity needed to prepare for a meal may be ……. well, off.  No matter what the circumstances, I have this subconscious neccessity to prepare enough of whatever dish I am making as if I have the sole responsibility to feed Napoleon’s Army all the way to Moscow with my dish alone.  I do not think my mental state can even handle the possibility of prepping JUST half an onion for any reason.

From ancient times, seducing sailors and men with lyrical, mesmerizing enchantments

Luring even the strongest of wills to fates unkind

The Siren has been reborn

In Her discourse, more melodious and rhythmic than words and syllables

As alluring as ever – yet with an effect now of enlightened insight, not dark despair

So, while taking time to stop and smell the flowers, I happened upon two separately but connected lessons.  Don’t judge me, but I have come to enjoy having flowers in the kitchen.  They do tend to brighten the room – and have the added benefit of covering up last night’s culinary attempt from an olfactory point of view.  I have become particularly fond of these lilies.  In addition, to a fault at times, I am also fond of analogies – metaphor, and to a lessor extent, simile, have been my go to tools for describing emotions, situations or just the ideas I have.  These lilies have provided me another such opportunity to open the analogy tool box.  When these lilies bloom, they have the most amazingly beautiful petals spreading out like welcoming arms – pulling you toward them with their allure and attractiveness.  However, as is always the case, eventually, these beautiful petals age and fall away.  It is not until then that you notice that there is a center still present and strong.  Upon reflection, you realize that the center was always there from the beginning – patiently and unassumingly existing amongst all the beauty.  The life lesson metaphor – keep yourself centered at all times, while age may strike blows against the appearance, a strong center can withstand the onslaught.  The second lesson this little episode provided me was one of patience – waiting for nature to take its course to capture these two images without my intervention.

Many of these stray threads will be random impressions I carry from memories.  It’s truly curious the things we retain.

As a young child, I remember going to Six Flags over Georgia just once.  It was on a side trip from seeing my Grandmother and Grandfather on my Dad’s side in Ashland, AL.  I had to less than 10 years old at the time.  Once there, most of the park and experience is fuzzy at best.  However, there are three totally disconnect moments I remember distinctly.  One was seeing Stone Mountain from a tour train.  They had the the whole cowboys board the train for an action-packed shot-out.  The second was seeing who I believe was the actual Starland Vocal Band perform as we were passing by some section of the park.  We had come up on them as “Afternoon Delight” was being played.  The third, surprisingly, produced my greatest wonder of the entire trip.  Back at the hotel – a very rare occurrence for us – as we settled in for the night, I recall looking outside with the dim light of dusk still having in the air – not yet having darkness pull the covers of the day yet – only to realize that it was almost 9:00 in the evening.  I was amazed and thought this place must be enchanted.

So, no – this will not be an everyday occurrence.  However, food has always been a significant part of my life.  I have always enjoyed eating – as times at extreme detriment to my waistline.  But beyond that, somewhere along the way I developed a desire to actively participate in the cooking process itself.  I can recall as far back as Middle School and High School watching “Gourmet Cooking” on PJC’s (at the time) WSRE tv channel.  I was fascinated by Earl Peyroux’s descriptions of different techniques, dishes and preparations.  In addition, through his different cuisines, he opened up a whole new diverse world to me.  Asian, French, Cajun – the show reached beyond food and into the realm of all that could be experienced in the world.  But mostly, I was influenced by the passion he showed for cooking.  His sign-off tag line of “A’ bientot” is clearly heard within my head to this day.  From there (and with possibly a little help from what I believe was a Aykroyd skit on SNL), I found Julia Childs and a variety of other shows that contributed to my amateur culinary education.  In High School, I passed up the opportunity to take another advanced elective (LOL – passed up, he says) so that I could take a semester of Home Economics.  In a small way, it was my impression of being “well-rounded”.  I have a vivid memory of the look of surprise on my teacher’s face when she asked the class if anyone knew what “folding in” meant and I answered her.  From those days to now, cooking has remained an intensely and deeply seated part of my persona.  If I cook for you when we first meet, know that I am trying to impress you.  If I continue to cook for you, know that I think so much of you that I am sharing something immensely personal from myself to you.

Too often, we measure success in life by the vanquishing, conquering and slaying of all of life’s challenges like dragons from bygone times.  In reality, for the vast majority of these challenges, victory is found by just being a mere half-step past defeat.  The struggle is real, but we tend not to realize when we have already won.

Image: https://goo.gl/images/AxiFDX